Two years ago today, my nephew died. For the past few days, my compassion and concern for my sister and her family has been swelling until it almost chokes me, then ebbing enough for me to function in my own life off and on in cycles. I have called my sister several times with various excuses....just to hear her voice and be sure that she is doing ok, but she is always so busy that there never seems to be a good time to talk beyond the pretext that I used to initiate the call. I settle for remembering to ask for Heavenly Father to send the comforter to her and her family.
During Sacrament meeting this morning, the concern started growing in my chest again until I felt like I wouldn't be able to breathe until I talked to her, but I had forgotten my cell phone at home and don't know her new phone number off the top of my head. As the meeting drew to a close, I thought I should leave before Sunday School and Relief Society so I could get home and call her, but I asked myself if it was a prompting, or if it was just my own worry and something that could wait until after the meetings. I decided I was supposed to stay for my meetings.
I read the verses Sister Sawyer directed us to, and, as I usually do, read the ones leading up to and the ones following the directed ones as I listened to the class discussion. (It's a bad habit and I hope the teacher doesn't think I am not listening to the lesson----it's just one of those multi-tasking things I do...) Anyway, there was nothing specific that was standing out or anything, just reminders to have faith, but I felt calmed and was glad I stayed for class. I wished, as I always do, that my sister could be there too and feel the peace.
Relief Society started and my brain was multitasking still---wondering what I could say to my sister when I called her to let her know that she really, really, really is not alone...Then the lesson was announced. Lesson 14: "Words of Hope and Consolation at the Time of Death" I felt like maybe this lesson is really why I needed to stay. As it unfolded, it was a good lesson, but it was for people who have faith in Jesus Christ. I wasn't gleaning anything from it that I felt could help in this situation. Mark and the girls don't even believe in Christ. Mary was taught to, but I don't know what she retained.
The teacher told a story of a guy she worked with who's wife was about to loose her mother to cancer. The man doesn't believe there is anything after this life. When you die, that's it....No soul going on, etc., etc. I thought "Ok. Here we go. Now is when I get the answer of what to say or do for Mary, Mark and the girls. Lay it on me." ...The teacher felt prompted to give him the church video "Together Forever". He took it. He brought it back a few days later and said it was good for his wife, but really didn't do much for him since he knows there isn't anything after we die.
Bam! There we go! Back to the same brick wall! How did she get through to him? How do you make the blind see?!
My frustration increased. I read ahead. I went back and read again from the beginning. I scanned again. I felt deflated. It really was geared towards people with faith, and I needed something to GIVE some faith. The time was spent. The lesson was drawing to a close. I was still searching for something to apply. I was almost angry. The closing hymn was announced. Before the pianist even made it to the piano I was hearing the music in my head. The pianist started the intro, but I was already to the words in my head...
It was as if all the words of the whole song swirled together in an instant. All the meaning of the words combined with the beautiful, sweet music in a swirl that made a thick, balm and magically swirled itself into the gaping wound in my heart. I wasn't searching for something for myself. I was only searching for the right words to pass along, but there it was...soothing me. Giving me peace. Allowing me to become the balm.
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love with-out end.
2 comments:
Isn't the knowledge the gospel gives us such a comfort? I love those Sundays where it seems like the lesson was made for you.
This is one of my favorite hymns...has given me peace at those troubled times...
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